Anxiety Milkshake

1-1/2 cups ice cream
½ cup milk
2 overdue bills
1 layoff notice
1 voicemail threatening divorce
1 note from creepy neighbor slipped under the door
3 days of no sleep
1 pot of coffee
1 bottle of Kahlua

1. 1. 1. Pour yourself a cup of coffee. Add Kahlua to taste. Maybe more Kahlua.
      2. Add ice cream to the blender.
      3. Add milk to the blender.
      4. Add a cup of coffee to the blender.
      5. Add a generous portion of Kahlua to the blender.
      6. Blend thoroughly. Pretend you are blending your husband.
      7. Pour yourself a cup of Kahlua. Add coffee to taste.
      8. Shred the layoff notice, the overdue bills, and the creepy neighbor note. Toss shredding into the fireplace. Start a fire. Who cares if it’s summer?
      9. Leave voicemail for your husband that you’re leaving him the house. And the kids.
      10. Pour yourself a cup of Kahlua. Forget the coffee.
      11. Pack your clothes.
      12. Open a new bank account. Transfer all funds from the old account to the new. Your husband would only spend all the money on his new girlfriend.
      13. Pour the contents of the blender into a vase and drink, drink, drink.
      14. Leave voicemail for your parents that you’re moving back home.
      15. Get in the car and drive away, fast.