And now for your entertainment, all the way from eternity:
THE LITTLE SHITS. Back with us from touring the globe, with
headline performances in Fiji, Bahrain, Albania, and Tbilisi.

Expect nothing and you are bound to find it.
Turn to your neighbors, offer your hand, and ask, male
or female, why their public hairs don’t match their eyebrows.

The Blind Quarter Horses from Dhahran will be performing
today at 2 p.m. Their trainer, his Honorable Qasim Al-Otaibe,
the oldest living pederast, will appear today in the nude.

Step forward for your money-back guarantee. Free roses will be
offered to virgins at Buffa’s Garden Center on Pike’s Peak Boulevard.
Walk up windows only. Come for inspection and leave with a bouquet.

Donations will be rejected. This is no charity. Three Blind Mice
will be performed as scheduled by our chorus at the back of the barn
at intervals of ninety minutes from 4 to 5 p.m. Sign up in the library.

Our sponsor this year is Citroën Motor Cars, maker of the Picasso
family van, an alternative to the American SUV. The Picasso runs
on alternative energy, supplied by the bark of Golden Retrievers.

Tickets for today’s events are not available. As previously announced,
The Memphis Fairgrounds has been closed indefinitely, subject to
city council advisory. Mob action has discouraged the janitorial staff.